Domesticated Primates

For months and months, I was doing "well". I was able to go out, be independent. However, I didn't feel like myself. I felt like I was acting like someone else just to appear normal, and I was completely ignoring my inner voice.

I recently watched a documentary on how people try to domesticate monkeys and adapt them as children (I promise this will make sense in a minute). They pluck the baby monkeys from their mothers at such a young age and 'replace' their mothers with a teddy bear and a human serigate mother. The primates cleave to the human replacement mother and rock with the teddy bear for comfort to remind them of their real mother. They are high anxious beings because they are meant to climb trees all day, not to wear dresses and be on a leash.

The monkeys act like normal babies for about the first year of their lives because they are only babies and they learn to love their human mothers as much as they can. However, when they hit puberty at around 1 year old, they begin to become aggressive and dangerous for the human to own them. Often times, at this stage, the human mother will give the monkey away to a sanctuary or make alterations to try to dominate them (it's graphic, so I wont fill you in on that info).

This was so reminisent of my life. When I was a child, I was always told how to act, even though it wasn't the way I wanted to be. I was raised to believe that as a woman, I didn't have as much power as a man did. I was told my anxiety was not okay to express. That my feelings should be kept inside.

When I grew older, around teenage, I began to start to do things I wanted to do. Act how I wanted to act. But, no matter how hard I try, I seem to always revert to that baby monkey who just wants my mother to love me and hold me, to protect me. And she can't. I'm an adult and I need to fight for myself. However, I feel like with my anxiety, I've been keeping myself on a leash for so long that I am afraid to step out into the world and be who I want to be.

As sufferers of anxiety, we keep ourselves in a cage. We allow ourselves to be afraid of a world that isn't out to get us. Believe it or not, the world is not out to get you. 

I am a domesticated human; raised by the wrong species of human. But, I cannot change that. I can control my future and work on changing how I view the world. Then I can swing from all the trees I want to and feel happy.

                                                I hope you can do the same :)

Please comment and inbox me. Let's create a supportive community. Don't fight alone!

Who are you?

So many of us grow up thinking we know exactly who we are. Or, the opposite; not having a clue. Either way, this causes a lot of anxiety. Allow me to explain.

So, for the past year, I have been telling people that "I'm honest. I know who I am. If I don't like something you say to me, I will tell it to your face." What I lier I am... I am the most unconfrontational, meek human being for the most part.

The worst thing we can do in life is lie to ourselves. When I realized this is what I had been doing, I was full of emptiness. The person I had convinced myself I was, was merely a pigment of my impecibly convincing imagination.

So I started to ask myself, "Who am I?" And I couldn't find the answer. I began to pray on the subject and ask God who He thought I was. I have always had the ability to pray to Him and to hear him almost vocally respond to what I ask. I heard Him say, who were you when you were happy?

It was then that I realized I had thrown away all of the things I used to enjoy. I was such an art freak! I danced, acted, painted, sang, played guitar. You name it, I did it. All of those things were my "escapes" for when I was afraid during my childhood.

That night, I pulled out some old paint and canvas and painted this:

http://instagram.com/p/qIb1HbJvX8/?modal=true

The next day I had an offer for someone who wanted to buy it. Something I did just for fun to find myself ended up being so much more than that.

Then, I started writing again and and going to enroll in dance soon. Its amazing how when you go back to your roots, the comfort level you feel.

I encourage all of you to think back to when you were a younger. What did you do that made you feel free? What made you feel significant? Have you left that in your past? How is one expected not to be anxious if we don't have times to escape our chronic emotions?

Please comment with any post ideas and your feedback!

Love your life, and live it fully :)

Don't put your well being on the back burner

It was very recently that I figured out I was overstressing myself out. I had put all of my hobbies, friends, needs, and fun on the back burner and was souly focused on working and doing school. I had never done either full time before. Bad idea.

I am the type of person who will tell myself "everythings fine" when it isn't, then be hit with the emotions all at once later in a ton-of-bricks fashion. This is not healthy and I am working on fixing that part of myself.

I decided to limit the things I was doing to lower my stressors and anxiety and within a couple of days, I have already seen a huge difference in how I feel.

Point being, anxiety over simple things is ALWAYS related to a bigger issue. Because you have a panic attack in a store doesn't neccissarily mean that the store is a horrid place, it could most likely be from that argument you had with a family member that is still on your shoulders, or perhaps a situation at work.

Examine your life and fix the bigger issues first. Even though feeling anxious is a horrible feeling, that isn't always the best place to start. Figure out how to resolve those bigger issues and the anxiety will calm itself down.

The balancing act: Intro to myself and how I became an Ann Hathaway

Photo taken by Myself, can be seen on Instagram: Follow me Larissaamber3

Now more than ever, people are finding common ground on one of the most scary balancing acts that makes up some peoples entire lives: anxiety.

With the economic downturn that has pretty much unfolded through out my life, their are so many reasons to be worried about what tomorrow might bring. However, that isn't what brought my fear into my life. I can never say I lay in bed at night wondering where my next meal would come from or if I would have a roof over my head the next day. In that sense in life, I have always been blessed. However, that is what created that feeling of being trapped: I didn't want to stay under the roof I was given.

When I came into the world a huge 10 lb baby, my mum was so happy to greet me and to love me. I had a caring big sister who attempted to change my diapers at age 3 and more than supportive grandparents that lived in another state. They came to visit me after I was born. I was clearly celebrated.

One person was however not as happy about my coming to the world: my dad. I have accumulated this information since he is the only one not pictured in any of my infant photos and never was until I was about 2. He had also reminded me almost every day of my upbringing that he wished I "would have never been born".

Without getting into much detail, my dad went on to abuse me physically, emotionally, and sexually from around 2 years old. I have a very vivid memory of these events. Every yell, every manipulate threat, every weary stare. Everything.

Being the youngest of the two, I was dubbed "Daddies girl" and I couldn't have been more afraid of the image. That meant I had to know that he liked 4 spendas in his coffee with the thermos turned to the right for his hand to fit to, how he liked his shirts creased perfectly down the sides, how he liked to be bragged about in certain ways. Every day was spent much like Ann Hathaways character in The Devil Wears Prada, faffing around trying to make everything for this person as perfect as possible to minimize your own punishment. How I loate that film.

Doing so for so many years started to really take its toll around age 11. I started having crying spells and panic attacks. My mum brought me to my family doctor who told me to go to therapy. However I never told anyone about the abuse that was going on at home between him and myself or him and my mum or sister. He had instucted me not to, so I obeyed. They couldn't find any reason as to why I would feel this way and told my mum it was probably just a phase...

As it did proceed to get worse and worse, I stopped playing into my dads game as much as the toll was too much for me to manage. I watched him slowly loose his mind more and more. He couldn't handle me feeling this way. That is when I noticed he was clearly the cause for my stress. I immediately started thinking of an evacuation plan.

With letting family members know about the abuse, my entire family was set free from it 4 years ago. My dad now has no rights to anything in my life and lives states away by himself. However, I carry the weight of everything that happened to me everyday. I now have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and anxiety that used to be more than out of control. However, I find ways to manage and love my life and I do :) I am now in school to be a preschool teacher and I am an art, photography, music, and clothing nerd and so proud.

You see, life isn't meant for us to be Ann Hathaways. Were supposed to bee free birds without weights to hold us back. Lets all be supportive to eachother and the battle against this horrible, underrated problem. Consider me your friend, we will get through this together :)